Closet cliche: the third!
by Nival Vixen
Summary: COMPLETE! The 3rd installment of Closet Cliche. Complete with honeymoon, zombie Lucius & Voldemort, resurrected plot bunnies, and other weird things that really have no place being there. Like zombie-killer librarians... More weirdness and just as fun!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter... And after writing this, that may be a good thing.

...

The honeymoon

...

_Voldemort and Lucius were buried together, as requested in one of their wills. Voldemort's real name is written on the tomb with his alter-ego underneath in brackets. Lightning bolts hit the tomb every three seconds and their grave will soon fall into the sea; five kilometres away..._

_Bill and Fleur, who were mentioned in one chapter are married with no children yet and don't have any closets. They do, however, have a whip in their room..._

_Moaning Myrtle and Peeves somehow managed to get married and are now off on their honeymoon, annoying and complaining to people worldwide..._

_Molly and Arthur are still married. And it will stay that way unless Arthur has a death wish..._

_It is believed that Albus Dumbledore is still eating at the buffet to this day. Volde-mart is suffering because of it, and still has yet to find a counter-curse for the refilling spell Albus put on his plate..._

_Hermione and Snape were married soon after Draco and Ginny's wedding and lived in a closet with a lot of closets inside of it. You don't want to know how many..._

_Harry and Ron are still together, despite protesting from Harry. Ron still refuses to go to Hermione's closet-house..._

_Draco and Ginny lived happily ever after in the Manor with twelve closets, and somehow they had the same amount of children..._

...

_Well... It didn't quite end just like that_...

...

"The honeymoon was great!" Hermione gushed to Ginny, her eyes bright with longing.

"Your eyes are bright! Quit with the longing already!" Ginny cried, shielding her eyes.

"Sorry, I can't seem to help it. Severus is such a wonderful lover," Hermione said, her eyes shining a bit brighter than before.

"I don't want to hear that! He's still a greasy git," Ron cried, appearing from nowhere.

Ginny muttered, transfigured a random ball into a pair of sunglasses, shoved them onto Hermione's face, and pulled her brother out of the ceiling.

"You are not supposed to be here, go home to Harry!"

Ron disappeared with a loud high-pitched squeal of indignation.

"And I don't want to hear about Snape either; that's just creepy," Ginny said to Hermione.

Hermione didn't seem to hear, and was busy with her eyes bright behind the sunglasses.

"Is my wife in here?" Severus called, popping his head into the closet door. "Ah, there you are, dear!"

"How did you know she was in here?" Ginny asked, frowning.

_There were a million closets in this place and it was hard enough finding the one with the toilet, let alone trying to find one with a person inside of it_!

"I could see her eyes shining brightly under the door," Snape replied, smirking. "Would you mind leaving now? My wife and I still have some time to catch up on from our honeymoon."

"Okay, I'm not even going to bother asking how that works," Ginny muttered.

She disappeared and re-appeared in Malfoy Manor.

"Weren't you going to Snape's house, Gin?" Draco asked, seeing her on the ceiling.

"Yes. But apparently, they still haven't had enough sex," Ginny replied, flapping her arms to get down from the ceiling.

Draco shuddered at the thought, and looked a little green as well. He took Ginny's hand and pulled her down from the ceiling.

_Must be a Weasley-thing to get stuck on the ceiling like that_, he thought, remembering how Ron had done that some paragraphs ago.

"I can hear what you're thinking," Ginny said, glaring at him.

_I love you, sweetheart_... Draco thought quickly, smiling guiltily.

"I refuse to think that again. I do not call anyone sweetheart! And I do not smile guiltily!" Draco said, yelling at the author.

**Fine...**

"I can hear what you're thinking," Ginny said, glaring at him.

"No, you can't," Draco said, rolling his eyes.

**Better now?**

_Yes, much better_, Draco thought, smirking.

**Stereotypical rich boy...**

"I heard that!" Draco yelled.

"Heard what? Why are you yelling at the ceiling?" Ginny asked, frowning at him.

"No reason, _sweetheart_," Draco said, his teeth gritted.

"All right," she replied, shaking her head.

...

End of the first chapter.

...


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter... And after writing this, that may be a good thing.

...

The zombie chapter

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In a single grave that was continuously being struck by lightning, and was soon going to fall into the sea, despite it being almost five kilometres away from any type of ocean or even salt water, two corpses were about to awaken. They were Lucius Malfoy and Lord Voldemort. After being struck by lightning so many times, the two corpses were no longer the pictures of health they had been before they died. And due to this fact, they both woke up as zombies.

The Lucius zombie saw his reflection in his mirrored tombstone and immediately started crying at the loss of his former beauty. He did have to admit that his hair looked good though.

The Voldemort zombie hit the Lucius zombie over the head for being so narcissistic. Lucius' zombie head fell off and Voldemort feasted on his brain.

Still not content - zombies are greedy, and evil wizard zombies doubly so - Voldemort walked down to the village to find more brains to feast on.

...

_Elsewhere in the country_...

A plot bunny appeared in the Malfoy Manor garden, eating the lettuce and carrots that were supposed to be used for Draco's sandwich later that day. The gardener, who wasn't a writer and didn't know the importance of this particular bunny, killed it with his shotgun promptly.

Ginny, who had witnessed the death of the plot bunny, had a grave dug for what she thought was just a regular bunny, and held a funeral ceremony for it after lunch, forcing everyone she and Draco knew to attend. It was the largest funeral for a rabbit ever recorded. Wizard or Muggle.

The writer mourned silently, and then had no idea where to go on from there.

For some very odd and obscure reason that no one is quite sure about, Draco decided to dabble in necromancy. Ginevra told him not to, but he pretended to have a case of selective hearing at just that moment. He was still sore about his out-of-character moment in the previous chapter and was going to resurrect the dead plot bunny to annoy the author. Again, Ginevra warned him not to do that, and again, Draco ignored her.

Later that night, as midnight struck and the full moon was high in the dark sky, Draco opened his _Necromancy for Blonde Wizards_ book.

What he didn't know was that, just just like other regular bunnies, this particular plot bunny had multiplied. Even if it was supposed to be dead, it had somehow managed to create more plot bunnies of its kind. Draco soon discovered that he had just resurrected more than one plot bunny, and due to a misinterpretation of a particular potion ingredient, the plot bunnies weren't actually alive. They were zombie plot bunnies.

Luckily enough, they simply hopped away after being brought back to life, and continued to multiply as they went in search of carrot brains.

The author, with her carrot brain garden, was especially annoyed after Draco released the zombie plot bunnies, and promised her revenge on the wayward character.

...

End of the second chapter.

...


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter... And after writing this, that may be a good thing.

...

The children's chapter

...

Draco rolled his eyes as he saw _The Quibbler_'s latest heading: _**Evil zombie tries to eat village librarian. Librarian kills zombie and uses mummified body in Ancient Egypt display**_.

_What will _The Quibbler_ think of next_? he thought, shaking his heads. Taking the _Daily Prophet_ from the table, he sat at the dining table and read the paper as he ate his breakfast.

Ginny came in the dining room, kissing her husband. "Good morning, love. Do we have any carrots? I've been craving them since I woke up."

"You only woke up ten minutes ago. You'll have to ask the gardener if he salvaged any carrots from those plot bunnies."

"You mean the zombie plot bunnies that you resurrected?" Ginny replied, glaring.

Draco muttered something under his breath, coughing.

Ginny called for a house elf, only to be told that there were no carrots. Sighing in defeat, she asked for scrambled eggs on toast.

They arrived within minutes, and on seeing the eggs, Ginny ran from the room, her mouth covered.

Draco frowned and followed her, wondering what had made her so sick. "What's made you so sick?" he asked.

Ginny didn't reply, she didn't know either.

A house elf appeared to clean the mess, and handed a vial to Ginny. "House elf 372 thinks that Lady Ginny is pregnant," he said as she took the vial.

"What? That's not possible," Draco scoffed. "Is it?" he asked, seeing his wife's face.

...

_Three days and two doctor's appointments later_...

"How on earth did you get me pregnant with **twelve** kids?" Ginny yelled at her husband.

"I can re-enact the entire thing, if you want," Draco replied, smirking.

"Screw you! You can give birth to the kids, and then let's see you smirk!" Ginny yelled.

Draco started swelling at a fast pace. In a matter of minutes, he was pregnant, and Ginny was back to her normal size.

"Uh... Gin? Why am I pregnant?"

"Because you annoyed the author in the last chapter, so now you're going to pay for it. I _told you_ not to annoy her," Ginny said, then left with a smirk.

"Author-lady? I didn't mean it!" Draco yelled quickly, his face paling.

Unfortunately, due to the practical impossibility of male pregnancy, the author has decided to forgive Draco and make Ginny pregnant again.

"Hey! I am not carrying around twelve kids! I'm all for having twelve kids; I love big families! But twelve at one time is just getting out of hand! I mean, can you imagine the back pain, stretch marks, and labour time? That's just ridiculous on all counts! At least give me twins to start off with, then I can space the other kids out afterwards!" Ginny yelled.

Draco quickly hushed his wife, looking up at the ceiling. "You shouldn't piss her off. She could just make you pregnant with twenty kids at once, and while I'm all for my baby-making sperm being so efficient, I don't want to be around you when the resulting hormones kick in! Having pregnant hormones with one to three is bad enough, but twenty is just ridiculous."

"Who said anything about **twenty** kids? I don't love big families _that_ much! Stop giving her ideas, you prat! Or I'll give her the idea to make us have half each," Ginny muttered.

The author got annoyed at their banter quickly, and decided to compromise. Ginny is now pregnant with three children, Draco is not pregnant with any but has the relevant books to know how to deal with a pregnant and hormonally emotional wife, and the author's zombie plot bunnies are still eating carrot brains from her garden.

...

End of the third chapter.

...


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. And after this, that may be a good thing...

...

The final chapter

...

_A year later_

Draco stumbled into the dining room, his hair a mess, his robes crumpled and creased, and promptly collapsed into his chair. He was too tired to complain about his appearance, otherwise he would have mentioned magic at least twenty words ago.

Slumping further into his chair, he let his head rest on the dining table, ignoring the _Daily Prophet_ that was currently under his forehead.

"You're not running away that easily, Draco Malfoy. Get back upstairs and change Annette's diaper!" Ginny said, glaring at him.

Draco lifted his head, ripping the stuck _Daily Prophet_ off. The headline '_Zombie-killer librarian on world tour: Not alive and kicking!_' pulsed angrily at being stuck to his forehead.

"I'm trying to sleep. Why can't house elf 372 do it?" he muttered.

"Because you're Annette's father, and it's your job. Now go while I feed Scorpius and Emilyn," she answered, sitting on her chair and adjusting the two babies gently.

Seeing that he wasn't going to be let off the hook, Draco stood and left to go up to the nursery.

He loved their children, of course. Scorpius, Emilyn and Annette were wonderful babies. Even though they cried constantly, made smells that he was sure wasn't human, and slept at the oddest times.

Seeing Annette in the crib, Draco smiled gently. She was cooing at the sunbeams above her, trying to catch them in her tiny chubby hands. He picked her up carefully and placed her on the changing table. Removing her diaper, his eyes watered.

"Malfoy's do not make those sort of smells, Annette," he said, quickly casting an odourless spell. Draco was almost certain it didn't have an effect.

His daughter just giggled and continued to catch sunbeams.

...

House elf 372 hurried through the manor, trying to find his master and mistress. The triplets had woken up after a long afternoon nap and required feeding.

Turning into a corridor, he heard loud snoring. Opening the closet door, house elf 372 found Draco and Ginny sleeping inside the large closet. Shaking his head, he used his magic to take them to their bed.

Going to the kitchen, he filled some baby bottles with milk and went to feed the babies before they woke up their sleep deprived parents.

...

"Hermione, dear?" Snape called out, sounding hesitant.

"Yes, Snapey-wapey?"

"I think it might be best if we go back inside now," he said, too preoccupied with the grassfire surrounding them to be annoyed at her nickname for him.

"I can't imagine how it happened," Hermione said, adjusting her reading glasses. Her eyes were still glowing brightly, and the magnified beam almost set Snape's robes on fire as well.

Snape hurried to douse the fire with a few well-placed spells. Then he put a pair of sunglasses on his wife and dragged her into their closet house.

...

In the end, the triplets finally began to sleep at proper hours. They also stopped making smells that weren't befitting of a Malfoy, much to Draco's pleasure. Draco and Ginny finally managed to sleep through the night, and house elf 372 has equipped the closets with bedding, just in case.

After the grassfire, Hermione has been put under house arrest by the Ministry of Magic until her eyes stop glowing. Apparently it might take some time before this happens - she finds it easier to read books at night with glowing eyes.

Harry and Ron are back together - again - even though Harry's still looking for a girlfriend.

Bill and Fleur are doing things that no one wants to know about, but they're only here because they were mentioned in the very first chapter.

This time, Voldemort and Lucius really are dead and won't be coming back again. Never mess with zombie-killer librarians. They'll kill you and make sure you stay dead.

Zombie plot bunnies are too cute to be killed and will soon take over the world. They can only be pacified with carrot brains, of which the author has an entire garden. She will be the last person on earth if this continues...

The zombie plot bunnies have just been killed by the gardener, who was still feeling guilty for killing the original plot bunny. His latter act has been pardoned by his first and he'll receive a medal for killing the evil zombie plot bunnies. Thus, the author's carrot brain garden remains safe for another day.

...

In eleven years, on the first of September, Draco and Ginny will send their children off to Hogwarts, along with Severus and Hermione's son, Tobias. Annette and Scorpius will be Slytherins, and Emilyn will be a Gryffindor. Annette will scare her father half to death by telling him she was sorted into Hufflepuff.

Draco has made the author promise that none of his children will be involved in closet-related incidents.

But since when do authors keep promises to their characters?

...

The end.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Thank you for reading!

...


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